Friends

Morning y'all.


Fell asleep thinking about my friends last night so I thought I'd blog about the matter...


I love my friends. Some of them. Most of the time. Some of my friends dislike me a bit now. Because I have other friends, and so am not always with the gang.


I do love the gang though. It's just so big, and I still don't quite slot in anywhere. I'm always on the edge of the group - metaphorically and literally - weaving in and out of our masses, hugging someone every now and then or even participating in a short conversation. But - and this is a massive change for me - I don't feel the need to talk any more. I am happy just to sit with my friends, enjoying a comfortable silence only filled by occasional remarks or humorous comments. I don't need to say anything. But everyone else at the bench seems to find that uncomfortable, and fills everything with chatter, and because there are so many people it all has to be so much louder just so they can be heard.
I just don't feel right there any more. If the friendship group is like a jigsaw puzzle, I'm like the piece that you just can't seem to fit in anywhere. Everyone tells me that I do belong and I'm not on the edge, but that's not how I feel.


My normal way of dealing with my empty non-fitting feeling was to go for a walk - sometimes accompanied by Gloves or another comfortable friend (someone who didn't mind the silence, or the walk, or me just thinking and occasionally even thinking out loud). But that changed a few days into Year 12.


In August (as you will find out) at SS I met Ladybird and Unicorn, and a few days into year 12 Gloves and I were talking to them on one of our walks and we met Lion. Since the first days I've been growing steadily closer to the Young Ones (as I call them) and they really do mean a lot to me. I doubt I'd be here if not for one of them, and they have become something like a happiness bubble to me. When they are near I can't help smiling. And I fit. We all love each other quite deeply, and I know where I am with them. I know I fit, despite the 2 year age gap. 


So now, whenever I feel crap (most days, unfortunately), I spent lunchtime in the music room with Ladybird, and sometimes the Lion, Unicorn, Nephew, Stupidly-Tall Year 10, and Mad Harry. And it's brilliant. We have lots of laughs and sit around jamming and whatnot. And against all the odds I don't feel out of place.


Unfortunately, my closeness to the year 10s hasn't gone down well with everyone. Some of the Bench Gang seem to think I am replacing them with the young ones, but I'm honestly not. I'm just finding my other place. I love the bench gang, but sometimes - for certain reasons - it's too painful or whatnot for me to stay there. So I seek sanctuary where I can find it - most often with the year 10s. I'm sorry if that offends anybody, but that's the way it is and it won't change.


I don't love any of my friends any less, I just need this bit of space, and the change of scenery. I'm only with the young ones for less than an hour at lunchtime. I spend the other 7 hours with the bench gang. Really, it's no big deal.


I guess it's also because I have changed a bit over the holidays, and some people don't like it. Well, to be honest all I can really say is that you don't go through and (luckily) get rescued from suicidal depression and just return to same old you. You inevitably change somehow, and I did. I'm sorry if it bothers people, but I need a chance to figure myself out.


Sorry for the rant. I've just been hearing people complain about me drifting away and it's starting to get on my nerves. Apologies. 


I shall post again later, m'dears.


Hatter xx