Crap.
Please give me something to talk about! My identity post has been restarted so it's going to take even longer now!
OO. Let us talk about something depressing:
Warning: I am serious. This post isn't a fun, happy one. It is kind of depressing. So feel free to turn back now, and forget about the rest of the post. Return to normal days and easy times.
Please do note that there is a point to this a post. Some things need talking about. And in this blog, that's my job. I'm honestly not trying to make you depressed or whatever for the next 10 minutes.
Promise :P
Funerals.
Decided to talk about this because Gavin brought it up while he was in music with Ladybird and I a couple of days ago. Ladybird and I also argued about who should die first. He said he'd kill me if I dared die before him. To be honest, I don't care. I'd rather die first because I'm terrified of what losing him would do to me. I can't lose him. I just can't.
Anyway.
Funerals....
I find that I am always quite unsure of myself when attending a funeral. I'm not quite sure how to be. Am I there to mourn or celebrate their life? Should I be miserable? Should I not?
I hope people aren't miserable at my funeral. I'd hate that. My soul probably wouldn't be able to leave if people were upset. There was someone crying in the library t'other day, and I got really tense and agitated. I wanted to go over and help but they already had someone. It was just so hard to ignore! My friends weren't as affected but it was really bothering me... So yeah. I hope people are not too upset, other wise my spirit seriously won't be able to leave. I'll be all over the place trying to comfort people in spirit!
Gavin asked me what song I would want played, and I realised I don't really know. Some of the soundtracks to the best times in my life might work I suppose: Raise Your Glass (P!nk), Here comes the sun (Beatles), Tears in Heaven (Eric Clapton), Sea of love, or Mr Blue Sky.... They are probably the best candidates.
Perhaps Here Comes The Sun. Because then it isn't too depressing, but it is still meaningful to me and friends. Maybe. What would you have?
But even before a funeral... Cremation or coffin? and then how would you be buried? Would you have your ashes sprinkled somewhere or made into something? Would you be buried normally, have an environmental burial, etc... I think I would want to be cremated, and then have a visit-able grave with some ashes, but have the rest sprinkled somewhere meaningful. I think. Maybe.
What if someone dies young, and hasn't made a will or anything or talked about their death/funeral?
How do you know what they would have wanted?
And in the end...
What are you supposed to say?
"I'm sorry for your loss"? Really? Because - as far as I can see - that is a phrase which would not bring comfort to someone who has lost a loved one.
Having said that, I still don't know what I would say. If my friend had lost someone, I guess my approach would be to hug them tightly (if that was our way) or squeeze their hand and say something to suggest that I am sorry, and that I would always be around if they needed anything. Or perhaps I wouldn't say anything. I know that if I had lost someone, certain friends wouldn't have to say anything to comfort me. People like L I guess. A hug, and/or that certain look (L would know. He always knows) would be enough to keep me strong until I could collapse into a heap on my own.
Have you ever had a nightmare about a funeral? I have.
In the nightmare I would lose a close friend or family member, and I could never seem to wake myself up before the funeral. It was horrible.
Occasionally, they continued to life past the funeral. Facing school, facing friends, just facing life without that person.
In one particular nightmare, I lost Ladybird. At SS, Gloves and I had designed me a tattoo, which was the word 'Always' with hoof prints like a path beneath and around (Slight HP reference there). In the nightmare, I added a small ladybird to the tattoo when he died. It felt...good. To put myself through that pain for him. I felt so guilty and distressed in that nightmare. I think it was knowing that he had saved my life, but that I had been unable to return the favour that really bothered me.
I never want to suffer through a night like that again. It was one of the worst nightmares I ever had, because it was worse than usual and went so far past the funeral. I don't know how I'll ever cope if I actually lose any of my friends or close family.
If I'm honest, I don't think I will.
Funeral Blues by W.H Auden is an excellent poem, and is read here by a character in Four Weddings and a Funeral.
http://youtu.be/b_a-eXIoyYA
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