Okay.

So here's what happened as far as I can remember yesterday.
I got ready for the pool party, feeling worried about seeing C again. I had decided to stick to M like glue, as that would be better for everyone.
I headed up to X's as his parents were giving he, Gloves and I a lift to L's. The car journey was fine, pleasant in fact. Arrival made me feel weird. (Do bear in mind that C lives right next to L, and that L's house is where C and I first saw each other and got together). We went inside, ditched our stuff and the party began. H randomly went bottle-bobbing in a bucket of ice O.o That was random and hilarious. C arrived a bit later, and I just died a little bit inside :/ When he came to the gazebo I could feel all my friends watching for my reaction, so I tried to act normal and everything. Basically I talked as if this was fine with me, and as if I wasn't like I;BERGQBGUOEWBGOWBGIO inside.
So the party continued, and we FINALLY actually got into the pool :D That was hilarious, and luckily M arrived quite soon. C and I kept sharing glances. I'd look up and he would be watching me, so I smiled so he'd think I was okay. Apparently he was doing the same...
We had a strange kind of waterfight, and H and I became obsessed with LE BOTTLE. Basically, there was a bottle of shloer-like stuff, and we ended up appearing drunk or addicts as we wandered round drinking from these massive green bottles :D T'was hilarious :D
Party continued, with several meh moments - not just my own, others too.
Seeing C was making me feel really weird. All the emotions I'd try to suppress sort of welled up and I had to fight to smile a lot. M noticed I was iffy and came and hugged me and stuff which was lovely <3
So yeah. Once again the party continued, but I stayed out of the pool, lounging around in my bikini instead. Again, there was muchos awkwardness with C, but hey. Another couple of meh moments, a gazillion of awkward moments, and L and I looked for DVDs we could watch later.
Stuff happened, and I honestly can't remember details. I think we hung around in our swimming stuff for a while, including a moment when C accidentally poured his coke down himself (to which I laughed manically :D). After a moment of grinning and watching me laugh at him, C decided to deliberately pour the rest of the can down himself, and H decided to add to the hilarity by pouring a bit of her Tango down him too. That was a good moment. A couple of times, it felt nice to be around C, almost like that very first day. But the rest of the time, I just felt really messed up and wanting M a lot.
We all decided to get changed and watched the movie, so the girls kicked the guys downstairs and we changed in L's bedroom ;) It took.... a while :P Mostly because H randomly decided to moisturise O.o
So yeah. We headed down and started to watch the movie (Johnny English). C was still upstairs, and H and Gloves randomly decided they didn't want to watch the movie and went upstairs, and I followed. So we sat around chatting, and it felt like there was a little tension between C and I. L came to remind us that we'd probably get kicked out if we all stayed up there, so we all headed back down to watch the movie. I curled into M, but C sat in my eyeline and so, naturally, awkward glances once more. It was so freaking hard to see him there!!!!! I thought I'd be fine, but I wasn't. I just wasn't.
At one point L and M headed out to get more food from the shop, so I used the Ninja as a radiator when I got cold XD. They came back, and everything was fun with muchos munching of food and film watching... ish :P I was once again curled up against M, which was VERY NICE ;) He is stupidly comfortable and warm and such. And an awesome boyfriend. So yeah. He wins. Later on L disappeared again, and Gloves said she thought he was at the shop again, but we discovered that he was in fact upstairs... and apparently meh. Gloves went up to see him (as did the giant one), and we continued the watching of the movie without them. The door opened, and I turned to see C walking in. (My brain: "Ah shit."). Yeah. He was back. He went upstairs, but came back down almost immediately with a worried look on his face. I noticed immediately and we shuffled into the dining room. He was saying that stuff was VERY meh upstairs, but I shouldn't go up there. I was extraordinarily torn. I wanted to go and help and be there for them both, but I knew C was right - I couldn't go. Eventually l came downstairs, and let's just say he wasn't overly happy. I comforted him, then made a signal to C to take over with L while I went to check on Gloves. She was in the same state, if slightly better. Obviously I can't share the details as its not my thing. We talked for a while, and I tried to make her feel better and stuffles. We moved into the library room, and I stood in the doorway while Gloves continued to splurge. I saw C trying to catch my attention from the stairs, so I slipped out of the library and headed down to have a whispered conversation with him. Apparently C had comforted L, who was now back in the tv room, and C was wondering if he should come up and talk to Gloves. I didn't see why not, so I led the way up there. We sat down and comforted Gloves some more, until I offered to get her some galaxy (cause I knew it would help). I spoke to L, Ninja and M for a moment before realising there was no galaxy and settling for shortbread and bourbons. I ran upstairs and gave them to Gloves before being kicked out of the library by C as they were having a talk.
So I just headed downstairs and went to L, Ninja and M. L immediately asked how she was and it was all MEH again. He started trying to blame himself, but we all convinced him it wasn't his fault. M started having a go about Gloves so I got annoyed and simply gave him a hard look and said 'Don't'. So that continued for a while, and eventually L asked if he could go up and talk to Gloves. I went up and checked, and Gloves said yes so I took L up. C and I decided they would probably want some space so we headed outside. I went downstairs while C headed into L's room. Ninja wanted to talk to me, so we went into the dining room again for a chat. He basically wanted to know if it was his fault. I told him I didn't think it was, and thats that. M tried to walk in at one point, but we said we were having a talk. M got all huffy and said "You're always having talks." and mumbled about how they end badly and everything, so I had a mini go at him as he left and I went back to talking to Ninja. The Giant One and his gf had to leave, so I was like SHIT SHIT SHIT cause I always feel better and stuff when either he or Om is around, and suddenly neither of them was there and I just died. When I hugged the Giant One goodbye I didn't want to let go. Our friend Em left not too long after, and I said goodbye and went upstairs.
...brb... I may have just broken down to Adele - someone like you. Shit. I really need Om right now...
Okay. I'm kind of back. Right where were we?
Ah. Okay. This bit is only vague...
I think this is when this part happened.
I went upstairs to L's bedroom and C was still gaming, so I just said hi and left him to it. L came up twice, really meh, but kept having to wipe away the tears and drag himself downstairs to say goodbye to people. The second time he got dragged down, I went and sat on the wall kind of facing C, but mostly the mirror behind him to the left. He offered me the seat, but I muttered something about the floor being comfy. A few seconds later, I looked up at him and simply said "And to think I thought it would be me falling apart today". There was a moment of silence, and I got up and stood just outside the door with my head in my hands. Truth was, I was falling apart, but I couldn't because I had to be strong for everyone else - namely L and Gloves. I went back inside L's room, but didn't look at C til I was sat down on the bed. I took my head out of my hands and looked across at him... He had pulled his hood up and was hiding his face as if he was crying. I had no idea what to do. I just froze. I didn't know whether to go to him, leave him, or what. In the end I felt like I was breaking again but I heard footsteps coming up the stairs so I wiped away the stupid tear that escaped the barrier of my eyelashes. It was M. He came over and sat next to me. He asked what was wrong with C, and I just muttered "I don't know". I felt iffy so I got up and stood outside the room again and M just held me which was really nice and comforting, but a part of me felt empty. L came upstairs and saw me falling apart in my boyfriend's arms, and I just pointed in the bedroom and mouthed C's name and that I thought he was crying.
M and I moved to the library. We talked, and he kept asking if I was okay, so I told him I was. We talked for a bit, including a moment when he told me that he and C had spoken, and M kind of mockingly told me that C had said he doesn't feel "the magic" with anyone else. I got kind of annoyed at him for saying that kind of mockingly, but L saved me by walking in right then. He sat down on the sofa and ended up lying down shaking. We tried comforting him, which I hope helped. At one point I think L noticed me looking seriously meh, and stroked the back of my head for a second cause he knew it would make me feel a bit better. (For some reason someone playing with or stroking my hair makes me feel better. I know, it's weird. But hey.)
I can't remember much of what happened after that - I think I was feeling numb - except that Gloves came upstairs to say that her mum had arrived earlier than planned to pick us up, and was waiting outside. We said goodbye to people, and I went back upstairs to say goodbye to C. Which was horrible. I didn't know what to do...
As I walked out (after kissing M goodbye <3) I asked L to look after C... I know I should've told him to take care of himself, but I couldn't help it. I felt so bad about C.
The journey home was fine. Awkward when Gloves's mum asked if C was there... When they dropped me off Gloves asked her mum if she could stay and talk to me, so Gloves and I headed up to the hill in the churchyard opposite my house. We talked about everything that had happened and everything, but then she headed home and so did I. I blogged, slept, and here we are.
A very good song that kind of fits with how the twin (and sort of I) was feeling...

This song is apparently about a girl who is there physically, but everything else seems to be disappearing. Or something. I seem to be connecting with it, so here you go: (Yes, it's the Glee version. I'm sorry, but I prefer this to the original - the original is by The Zombies).

Hatter xx

P.s. I have just found out that Gloves spoke to C more about me than I thought. Gloves said that she didnt think it was right that M is going out with me, it didnt seem right to her.

I'm not mad at her or anything though. I'm just really really confused. And kinda wondering who else isn't telling me what they really think... :/

P.p.s. Let's have a song fest shall we?

Adele - Take it all.

I chose this one because It's really connecting with me. Sometimes I feel I'm letting everyone take it all, but hey. I come out stronger every time. Also with C, I gave it everything I could, but it ended feeling like 8 months of wasted love, because he took it all. Turns out I was his world, and he wishes he could take me back...

I think you can guess why this song (Adele - Hiding my heart) is connecting with me. Especially the beginning.

Someone wrote a comment at the bottom of the lyrics and I'd like to share it with you:

"I can relate to this song and Someone Like You, as I once had a whirlwind romance; the kind that makes your soul dance, and just the memories can make your heart flutter. Those relationships rarely last; if they do the magic fades. I am certian that like a professional athlete; it is best to leave it on top of your game so to speak."

Blog challenges:

18. Disrespecting parents.

Er. You should naturally have a general respect for everyone. I try to respect my parents, but with my Dad it's hard. I think everyone has to earn respect too. Or just not give people a reason not to respect you. So yeah. That's a crap answer, but tough, I cannae be asked.