When the radio makes it all okay :')

Lazing on a Sunny Afternoon

~ Sunny afternoon, The Kinks.

Definitely the song of the day.
Psychology exam was fine, a really nice paper.
Spent the next 2 hours lazing around in the Sun and eating sweets with H, Fairy, Nerd and t'tothers.
Went to music at lunch and the boys were jamming (awesome to behold), so that was great fun. Also didn't get kicked out and ended up having a laugh with the teacher for a change. So yeah. That was pretty nice.
Helped out in Year 10 English which wasn't too bad, and then helped Em revise.
Went home, talked to a friend from primary school and then went out for a walk in the sun with Gloves :')
T'was rather entertaining :D
Nommed food, watched MiB, and am now watching War Horse and trying not to cry.


Hope you've had a lovely day, perhaps accompanied by similarly lovely weather


xx

Sunny days...

Well, *day.
It's sunny today!
So I have done 3 photo-shoots for Friday and not enough revision for my Psychology exam tomorrow.
*Facepalm*
Darned sun.

Sizzle sizzle sizzle...

Thanks to a week of Kat's cooking, I can now cook a couple of meals and so today, I cooked quorn fillet wraps with tomato, etc and am proud to say I made quorn taste better than chicken! XD
*Proud of self moment*
Now to watch Misfits in my revision breaks...


Yom nom nom.

Ignoring you.

I'm not, I promise.
It's just that what with exams and all, I'm actually only talking to people I come across each day.
Chatted to people at school because they were there for exams like me. Haven't spoken to them since. Not because I'm ignoring them, but because we are all busy and need to avoid distraction.
Spoke to Ladybird because we went to a gig together. Not spoken since. Avoiding distraction.
Haven't texted Om back because I have low credit and will see him soon.
Haven't spoken to Suffolk people for a while, despite missing them a lot, simply because if I start talking to them I won't want to stop, and I'll never get anything done.
I've officially realised how important these exams are, and so am not going out of my way to talk to anyone in case I get distracted. Also only using the internet during revision breaks or to listen to music.
So I'm really sorry if anyone feels like I am ignoring them, and is feeling hurt or annoyed. It'll be over after Friday, and then I can talk to people again.
I'm not ignoring you.
I just can't afford to talk right now.
Sorry.
See you on the other side.

4 out of 6.

Done 4 of my 6 exams!!! Yay!!! :D
So painful though D:
Although, Section A of my ELLA2 paper contained an extract of an interview with Raymond Blanc, who my brother knows well and has worked for XD So that provided slight entertainment today.


I also hung out with weirdos a lot.
My day:
Arrived and chatted to people, walked Em to her form room and ended up staying for aaaaages. Got a hug from Ladybird and Ladybird's friend, and helped mop up spilled coffee. 
Spent 1st in the library with a variety of people including my son JT :D
Chatted to people at break.
Spent 2 hours working in the study room and swapping distraction notes with Gloves via paper aeroplane. Got quite a bit of work done too :D
Spent lunch panicking about my exam, and ended up walking round the whole school. Went to the field with Darts and my notes and ended up chatting to Ladybird, Lion, Em, Big Dave and Darts. It was muchos fun <3 Ladybird and Lion were sizing each other in a manly fashion, and then Ladybird gave Lion a rather comical shove, which seemed straight out of a cartoon :D I also tackled Ladybird at some point. And got freaked out by Lion's duck noises.
Jah. Anywho. Muchos fun.
Returned to the bench. Kinda pined for Om. Panicked about the exam.
Did the stupid thing and am just so damn glad it's over!!!!
Attached myself to Om for the rest of the afternoon.
Chatted to people, came home and watched even more Friends XD
Had some really good chats with people, especially mum today :D <3


Excited about the gig tomorrow!!! Ahhhh The Incidents could win the final!! I will let you know how it goes.


Night! xx

Bwahaaa.

Gloves does make me laugh :')

Comfy shoulders.

Wicked was amazing!!!!
So much love.


Went to church on Sunday and saw some lovely people. Also spoke to Ladybird's dad, which made me ridiculously nervous. Seriously. Scary dude. He has bush-baby eyes like Ladybird, but they seem bigger and whatnot because he has shorter hair. Anyway. Yeah. Church was fun. Organised Ladybird's life/Saturday evening for him. Went home, revised, slept.


Monday.
Spent most of the day watching Friends Series One instead of revising. Then revised a bit in the evening.


Tuesday.
Revised a little in the morning, went to school with Ninja and chatted to people/got rained on with people instead of working. Revised more in the afternoon. Came home and revised with mum until about 1am. Slept.


Wednesday 16th.
Woke up and panicked. 4 and a half hours of exams about 3 hours away. Was I ready? No. Arrived at school ridiculously early and just sat with Lachs until exam time. Aced the philosophy paper, failed the ethics paper. 3 hours of exams done. 2 out 6 exams done. Lunch time. Om is back from doing archery for Team GB in Croatia!!!!!! Love for t'other bezzie. <3 Chatted to people, hung with my gang. Sat on Om's lap for aaaaaages. He's warm. And his heart was like... ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom. (That was a heart beating quickly, just so you know). 
ENGLISH EXAM TIME. That was.... okay. I think. Argh. I don't know! It was alright. Returned to Om's comfy shoulder at the end of the day. Went to remind Ladybird of something, forgot what it was and ended up just chatting and hugging him. Waited with Lion till 4ish, which was funny, saw my 'son' and 'grandson' (I should probably tell Om that 'we have a grandson'... :/), got picked up by mum and went home. Have done nothing productive since except listen to Placebo.
I forgot to pick up the ballet CD from my dance teacher -.-


In case I forget to blog again, enjoy my week plan:
Full day of revision tomorrow! Yay! >.<
Then ELLA2 exam on Friday.
Then Incidents gig with the usuals, Ladybird, Mum and possibly Peter Pan XD on Saturday.
Church on sunday?
Monday: revision!
Tuesday: Tresham! Photoshoot! Revision!
Wednesday: Psychology exam!
Thursday: HARRY POTTER STUDIO TOUR.
Friday: Photography exam!
Saturday: Cambridge or Northampton and hair cut.
Sunday: Cambridge if I didn't go on Saturday. I really need to speak to Beardy about this actually.
Monday/Tuesday: Modelling for the Lion's sister.
Wednesday: Go into school for year 10 RE lesson, because I love them and I seriously missed them today!!! <3
And that's as far as my plans for life go....


Byeeee!
Hatter <3


P.s. Mum, Fairy and Om have the comfiest shoulders I know. Physically and metaphorically. I know I can trust them with anything, and always lean on them for support if I have to. Plus they have physically comfy shoulders. I could sleep on them. Literally. Anywho. Enough shoulder-love.

*Sigh*.

Not sure how I feel today.
Stressed, mostly.
But Beardy texted me through the day, so it was better than it might have been.
Tresham wasn't too bad, although I think I've been pretty melancholy since I woke up :/ Emma gave me a lift back to Bishop, so that saved my legs :) 
Went to music, which was... okay. Good bits and bad bits. My lovely Lion gave me a card because I'm on study leave from now on, so they won't get to see me for a month! D: The card was so sweet <3
Didn't see Fairy at the end of lunch, and Om is away doing archery in Croatia with Team GB, so I felt completely lost without my two best friends. Completely. It doesn't make sense without them.
For some reason my afternoon lessons felt really crappy. Texted Beardy and mum, and they made me smile.
Said 'goodbye for a month' to everyone I wouldn't see, which made me a little sad. Especially having to say it to Lion and my 'little sister' Heather </3 Completely adore those two. I actually think of them like younger (yet taller) siblings. Promised everyone I'd visit between/after exams, but don't know if I'll actually be able to stick to that :/
Went to town with Em, which was hilarious. We have such a laugh together :D Shame I won't be there for her birthday on Monday :(


SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO SOON.


Tomorrow I'm going to see Wicked with m'lovely Darts :D <3 Next Friday is the Incidents gig at the OBS Final, and I should be taking Ladybird (news about him actually...), so that should be epic :D <3 Then Darts is taking me to the Harry Potter Studio Tour!!!!!!!!!! on the 24th ish, so that should be AMAZING. Seeeeriously can't wait XD After all my exams Beardy and I are meeting in Cambridge, which should be rather awesome XD Half term after that, and hopefully will have a sleepover with Heather, Unicorn and Em :D and might be meeting up with other people too. *EXCITEMENT*!!!!!!!


So...Ladybird news...
The Unicorn likes Ladybird. And he knew a while ago, but now he is responding to it and appears to like her back. I desperately want to be completely happy for them, and I kind of am. But there's a little part of me that burns whenever I see/hear about them being cute together. I don't like Ladybird like that, so it's not that kind of jealousy. It's more... ugh. I don't know how to explain it. He means too much to me, but in a close-friend-sense. I need him to be the same as he normally is with me. I need his warmth, and his hugs, and his stupid jokes. So no matter how much I desperately want to be happy for them, that part of me is terrified, because I know that the closer they get, the more he will drift away from me and change how he acts around me. I just don't know that I can take it right now. I want that part of me to go away, so I don't rely on him any more and I can be completely happy for them. To be fair, I don't need him as much lately, but there is still that tiny part. I hate it. But that's how it is. And I don't know how to change it.

Double chin.

I have officially discovered why my chin looks double really fucking quickly. Instead of creasing as it naturally would, the skin under my chin (haha that rhymes! XD) creases at the scar I've had there since the beginning of primary school. So when I technically don't have a double chin, it still looks like I do because of my stupid scar.
YAY. -.-


Chin rant over.


I think the double chin issue may be half the reason I want to go on a diet. But most of it is the FLABBY BELLY that has slowly developed since my 'stick days' ended after prom.


Fat rant over.


SO. TODAY AND SHIT.


School was... mundane. 
Went to Tresham. Worked constantly and was really bored.
Hung around with the smokers outside at break.
Walked to Bishop on my own.
Spent my free attempting to revise and talking to Sophie. Apparently, she, Cheryl and I are all considering Leicester Uni, so we should totally live together and shiz ;)
Spent lunch chatting to gingers. Literally. Chatted to Eliza, then went for several walk and talks with my bezzie the Fairy. SO MUCH GINGER. <3 <3 Em was upset though, so I ended up talking to her and walking her to her form room. Then saw Ladybird and was just like... "Eh. Pain." But I still hugged him.
Double English wasn't too bad :)
Manic end of school... Saw the Lion, Jenny E and Heather in ridiculously quick succession. Saw Ladybird and got a hug, then let his friends finish off my sweets. Ladybird ate his with the wrapper on. Seriously. He's a freak. 
Forgot to ask him if he needs a lift to the gig or not -.-
Went to the Bench and had muchos fun with Zilla and Gloves XD Zilla was stalking Beardy via my phone and managed to ring him and freak out. So I then rang him to tell him I wasn't actually ringing him. O.o
Got a lift home with the Hogg brothers :)
Pinned up Emma's excellent revision poster and attempted to work.
Went to ballet and got fed up because we've been moved to an irrelevant class. Seriously, Gloves and I are doing Grade 4, and the class is doing Grade 3 work for some medal thing. I dunnae care about the medal, I'm not doing that exam. I just want to practise Grade 4!!! ¬¬
Came home, ate food, worked since.
My exams are in just over 7 days and I am so not ready.


Yay!!


I know it doesn't sound like it, but other than exam stress I am really happy and had a pretty good day :)


Love your faces.
xx

Mine and Emma's diet :D

Surprisingly excited :D

Rules:
1. NO calorie counting.
2. NO making ourselves sick.
3. NO punishing oursleves when we think we’ve done badly.
4. Rewards when we’ve done well
5. Stick to 3 healthy sized meals a day.
6. If we do badly- its fine. We’ll just try again.

Emma: 'Hopefully this will stop silly and drastic ‘Weightloss’ phases from Emma that make Jen cringe.'

‘Together?’
‘Yeah- together :)’

<3

Hey there Delilah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_m-BjrxmgI&ob=av2e

1000 miles seems pretty far 
but they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way....

Placebo - Running Up That Hill

Dive for Dreams: E.E. Cummings

Dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
Trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
Honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death away
at the wedding)
Never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
In spite of everything
which breathes and moves since
Doom
(with white longest hands
nesting each crease)
Will smooth entirely our minds
- before tearing my room I turn, and
(stooping through the morning)
kiss this pillow dear, where our heads
lived and were.

(Stolen from Zilla's blog because she has an epic taste in poetry)

I can't revise.

Seriously.
How does one go about revising a play/novel?
I've read it again, and am now trying to make key notes.
Except I have no idea how, or what to make said notes on.
Thus far I have a half-finished plot summary, character profiles, unfinished key themes and relationships, key facts courtesy of Sparknotes, and 'Historical context' (literally. Just those words and a wibbly line beneath).


I can't seem to finish the unfinished parts or figure out what I really need to take notes on.
After today I'm mostly just going to do past papers.


I'll try another 45 minutes of this, then I'm doing more Ethics revision. That's a lot easier.


Sorry.
Just thought I'd fill you in about my revision failures.


Have a good day peeps!


Hope any revision you might be doing is going really well!


If it's not, stop reading this and go revise.


Seriously.


Go!

I'll be back when the colour fades...

The long awaited catch up post from my delightful trip to Suffolk is finally complete! Hurrah!!


So I'm officially home from one of the craziest, happiest week of my life. Details below.  


Monday 2nd April
It is a very odd feeling to spend two hours in a car with people you have never met before in your entire life; nevertheless, this is how I spent my time from 9am until 11am on Monday the 2nd of April 2012. The destination of this rather unusual journey was, of course, Suffolk. Have some Suffolk facts:
1. The county seat is Ipswich. 

2. The terrain is low and undulating, and the region, mainly agricultural, is one of the chief producers of grain, sugar beets, and vegetables in England.

3. Suffolk and Norfolk formed the Kingdom of the Iceni, whose Queen Boadicea led a revolt ( 60) against the Romans. 

4. In Anglo-Saxon times Suffolk was part of the kingdom of East Anglia, inhabited by the "south folk" of that kingdom, from which its name comes. 

5. In the Middle Ages, Suffolk was the center of a large wool industry. The importance of Ipswich as a port increased when Great Britain joined the European Community (now the European Union). 

6. In 1974, East Suffolk and West Suffolk were combined to form the nonmetropolitan county of Suffolk.

7. My first friend in Broughton, Kat, has lived there for the last 3 years, and, for the first time since she moved, I was visiting her. For 3 nights. Except those three nights were to turn into five, and one of the best almost-weeks of my life.

So after a two hour journey with complete strangers, I arrived in the fairly sunny Debenham, and sat next to a red telephone box outside a post office as I awaited Mr Brilliant. When he arrived I broke my face on his shoulder, petted some greyhounds and chatted with his mother on the way to his house. We spent our afternoon chatting, guitaring, spooning while I read, and - on my part - falling asleep. We also took a trip around Otley and Brilliant and I 'shared' a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

M'darling Kat arrived to steal us away to her home for the next few nights. T'was so fantastical to see her again! I had missed her so damn much! Her house is also rather epic - they are well suited - I can't believe I haven't visited sooner!

I had a really splendid evening nomming food, guitaring, chatting and laughing with these two truly wonderful people. Evenings like that are almost magical, and it's so hard to believe they weren't brilliant dreams from which I must one day wake up.

Tuesday: "Did the cat eat the pasta shell?" "No... The pasta shell ate the cat"

I woke up quite early, and after being momentarily disorientated, I happily discovered that Monday had not been a dream and I was definitely in the home of my wonderful Kat, accompanied by Mr Brilliant. Took a shower! (An excellent change for someone who can only have baths because the shower is broken). And plodded down to breakfast with wet hair. Mini chocolate weetabix were surprisingly nice. We resorted to watching two depressing episodes of Scrubs and some strangely entertaining Jeremy Kyle. Began to watch Whose Line Is It Anyway, and ended up on YouTube watching clips from Fast And Loose. I believe it was around now that the first new person arrived. I have to say I was terribly nervous about meeting Kat's 'gang'. Seriously. But I think I needn't have been. They are an astonishing group of people, and I can not get over the way they just welcomed me as one of their own. Anyway. Tuesday.

So BeardyBen (I'll explain later) arrived (in Lycra I may add. Very peculiar way to meet someone to be honest) and he went upstairs to get changed into proper attire while Kat put some pizzas in the oven. CuriousGeorge arrived just in time for food, and we all squashed onto the sofa to eat while we watched some hilarious youtube clips, including some old Eddie Izzard - "Covered in bees" and "cake or death" being some of our collective favourites.

Muchos banter ensued, though we ended up calling Rory and whining down the phone at him because he wasn't there yet. I couldn't stop playing with BeardyBen's hair. He had a ringlet right at the front, and it was so cute! So by the time GeniusRory (semi-adopted nickname from Brilliant) arrived, I was cuddled into the sofa by Kat, BeardyBen and CuriousGeorge, happily playing with BeardyBen's hair. GeniusRory was one of the people I was most nervous about meeting, but I found him to be very welcoming, and a really lovely and intelligent person. I'll write more about individuals later. We all settled in to excellent banter and moments full of joy and laughter.

After the Lycra incident, mine and BeardyBen's friendship continued to be well... odd. Beardy was lying down quite sweetly on the sofa, with CuriousGeorge settled by his feet at the end. I returned to the room having collected my camera and sat myself in the curve of Beardy's body at his hips, leaning back into the arms of CuriousGeorge. Beardy's beard had been intriguing me for a while now, so I moved my fingertips from his awesome crazy hair to his stubbly-beard-ness. Finding the rhythmic stroking quite relaxing, I was fairly surprised to see Beardy's face change the way it did. SO CUTE. And slightly odd. But hey, life is life, and mine a peculiar one, so it seems only natural that I had accidentally stumbled upon someone's minor hot spot within an hour or two of meeting them. My duty for the day quickly became the stroking of BeardyBen's beard, which I really didn't mind as I found it rather therapeutic. So it came to be that when TheMiriam (I simply cannot find a word that fits her better than something that makes her as unique, and the one and only) arrived at around 4pm, I was nestled on the sofa as before, stroking BeardyBen's face and occasionally chuckling at his expression. TheMiriam is beautiful, intriguing, and has stunning green-blue hair! She is the other new person I was most nervous about meeting. But again, I was really touched by the way she, along with the others, welcomed me into the fold.

We all spent happy hours chatting, and at one point I believe Mr Brilliant broke out the guitars. The room was full of jamming and snuggling as we established new friendships and reinforced old ones. At one point BeardyBen and I had been jamming quietly (he is a fantastic guitarist - although perhaps as intimidated by Brilliant's skills as the rest of us - and I love his voice. It may not be technically whatnot, but something about it catches me, and makes me smile.) when the majority of the group left the room for reasons then unknown to us, and left Beardy and I guitaring alone together. We continued, and entered into a sort of 'song exchange' which I really enjoyed. Kat and Beardy are officially my favourite people to jam with, as it truly becomes an exchange. Whilst one plays, the other really listens, and vice versa, to the point where it becomes an unusual kind of conversation. It is a fantastic experience. So much more enjoyable than being barely listened to and played over. I was so happy to sit and listen to Beardy and then play a song for him in return. Suffolk people are some of the rare type that I am not afraid to sing in front of. They made me feel so comfortable being myself around them that I never once felt the need to change to fit in or impress, and for that I am eternally grateful, as people who give that effect are damn rare finds. I even played Beardy the song that I wrote last week, which he said he liked. (So nice to hear :D) And he also said that he was impressed with my guitar skills when I told him how long I had been learning. That was lovely :)

CuriousGeorge had re-entered the room and was curious about the disappearance of everyone else, so we followed our noses to the kitchen, where the others were making spaghetti bolognese with quorn. The three of us were soon kicked out of the kitchen and ended up discussing faith and politics for a while, which was rather interesting.

Dinner was served, and my compliments to the chefs! A really delicious meal :) We attempted to give Bingo (Kat's cat) a piece of pasta by putting it on the windowsill next to him, but when we next looked over, only the pasta remained; hence: "The pasta shell ate the cat!". Bakewell tarts for pudding :D <3

We returned to the lounge and continued chatting and jamming. I heard TheMiriam sing - she has a beautiful, soulful voice which, from what I've seen, reflects her personality. I ended up listening to her and stroking BeardyBen's beard as his head was in my lap. Mr Brilliant was bored, so came and sat with us, but then attempted to physically drag me from the room so we'd all go to the park. I did not like that at all. It hurt, and kind of pissed me off. I don't like being treated like people's property. Nor do I like feeling caged. Beardy fought for me though, and I exchanged a look with Kat as I took sanctuary in CuriousGeorge's lovely warm arms again.

Eventually we did all head over to the park opposite Kat's, and had a lovely time frolicking and taking pictures. I fell down a slide. It was hilarious. The boys were laughing while they attempted to rescue me. It's okay. I gave them permission before I attempted the slide mission. We did some group photos, and then headed inside to the spare room because TheMiriam's bare feet were getting cold. We all listened and raved to some good music for a while. I was happy to have found a fellow Coldplay fan in the form of Beardy. We put on some U2 and even got GeniusRory to sing along before he had to leave. I have no idea how or why, but while Kat saw GeniusRory off, TheMiriam and I managed to get Beardy and CuriousGeorge shirtless. I have no idea how it happened, but it was rather entertaining. Mr Brilliant also played nervous with Beardy, which was ... odd... to say the least. He got very far. TheMiriam and I weren't really sure what to think or do. More chatting and whatnot when Kat returned, until Beardy and CuriousGeorge left in quick succession, and TheMiriam and Kat agreed now was the time for booze. So Brilliant, TheMiriam, Kat and I played the 'Roxanne' drinking game, chatted and just got to know each other a bit more. Mr Brilliant got very drunk very quickly, despite denying the fact that he was an alkie.  I did not. Well. I had to crawl to the bathroom at one point because my legs weren't entirely stable, but I had a clear head. TheMiriam and Kat went off to her room, so Brilliant and I chatted until we decided to sleep. Apparently they came back at about 2am.

All in all, a fantastic day full of new (and old) astounding people.


Wednesday:
STUFF.
We all woke up fairly groggy and hungover, and so us girls forced Brilliant to make us fried eggs for breakfast. We nommed our fried eggs, bagels and cereal very happily.
Watched Zoolander, which was a WEIRD film. Seriously. That is one peculiar movie.
So yeah, we watched that, then decided it was time for luncheon. Fortunately (as I can't cook to save my life), I didn't do much to help with the cooking as mother dear called. We had a general chat, and then we discussed travel arrangements. I could either get the train home on Thursday OR I could stay until Saturday. Decided to talk to Kat about it after the delicious food. T'was so nice! TheMiriam, Kat and Brilliant are excellent cooks XD I think it was then that we had pudding, which consisted of ice cream (a large hunk of which fell on the floor and melted pitifully), banana, marshmallows, digestive biscuits, and swirly chocolate spread. Yom nom nom.
We went for a ramble in the woods, which had rather entertaining results. Came back and TheMiriam left soon after. I was sad to say goodbye. She's awesome. And she makes Kat really damn happy. So that makes her 10 times more awesome than normally possible. I completely approve.
Went for a waddle in the foresty-thing near Kat's which was entertaining. We conquered a mound with the cunning use of twigs.
More exceptionally nice food for dinnerrrr. 
We then decided to dye part of my hair purple. Yeah. Seriously. I don't know if it was before or after that we watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got very freaked out when we realised Frank n Furter looks a lot like Beardy... O.o
Decided not to look at my hair until the morning so went to bed very nervous!!!


Thursday
My diary notes end here, so I'm trying to remember this day on the 7th of May 2012. Longtemps. 
Woke up, saw hair and was rather delighted :D
We spent the morning ambling until Mr Brilliant had to go home. So we went with him across the many winding, bumpy roads, said a sad farewell, and returned home slightly uneasy to be welcomed by the smell of eggs. Not the best for our stomachs at that moment in time.
I think my favourite part of that day was just sitting around with Kat guitaring. We were even sat in the park guitaring at one point and two little boys came over and were very lovely.
WE MADE CAKES.
THEY WERE AWESOME.
It was Passover that evening, and we went, and I ate way too much food, drank way too much tea, and had way too much fun doing a dance round the church.
But yeah.
Good day.
We dyed my hair again, but this time we left it in over night....


Friday
PURPLE.
I washed my hair and soon discovered the a small segment was very purple. 
We went to visit Kat's lovely little nephew Leo today!! SO CUTE. And his parents are lovely :D I didn't really remember Kat's sister that well, as it must have been ages, but she's rather cool. 
So Kat and I basically spent the whole day cooing over Leo. We took him to the park and got a fantastic amount of 'omg young lesbian couple with a baby' looks. So proud XD But then he did his 'mum cry' and we took him home. So jah. Spent a lovely day with more of Kat's family, came home, sang songs and felt sad because I was leaving the next day. Also made another cake... cause we are cool like that XD


Saturday
Beardy and TheMiriam were supposed to be coming over so Kat and I got more fun with them before I left. In the end only Beardy could make it :/ Still good fun though :)
All too soon the time came for a very sad trip to Ipswich train station, very unhappy goodbyes on my part, and then one of the most melancholy train journeys I've ever taken. I do not  like saying goodbye to my Kat. At all. Spent the journey reminiscing over the last few days in my mind and dreading my return to the land of hills.
Arrived home, saw mum which was really nice, got a cup of tea without Kat which wasn't quite the same.
Slept. For a really long time.


All in all a fantastic week full of insanity and hilarity. I'll be coming back as soon as I can.


Kat - love to the ear lobes. I miss 'em.

I told them!

So I went to the youth service at church tonight.
It was packed.
And I told them all my story...


I told Ladybird first though, which wasn't as bad as I'd thought. I think everything's okay, but he never really shows his emotions so I won't ever really know. 


But yeah. 10 minutes after telling Ladybird I went and asked Andy if they were doing testimonies tonight. He then put me on the spot seconds later and I told a very packed church, full of both strangers and friends, about what happened to me last year, and how God did a little 'miracle' for me. I didn't tell them that the person God sent was Ladybird, but I did tell them God sent someone.


I was astonished by the reaction. People clapped as they always do, and I guess they paid attention. What shocked me was after the service. Two people I had never met independently sought me ought and thanked me for telling my story. They said they were very grateful, I was very brave, that they could really relate to it, and that I touched many people with my story. When the first guy came up Mrs T, mum and I were completely gobsmacked when he left. I just flumped down onto a chair and put my head in my hands. I was not expecting to have that effect on people. Ladybird wasn't surprised at all by their reaction, but I was completely astonished. It's been 4 hours since and I'm still not over it.
I was shaking the whole time, but I know I made the right decision. I was right to tell them all, and I was right to do it today. Those two people weren't the only ones it helped. And that's all that matters. Paying it forward, and helping people who are in a similar place to the one I got stuck in.


My only negative feeling is that I have no idea how Ladybird feels about it all, and I'm completely panicking about him. He said he had a bit of an idea about me being really down when we met, but I don't think he has ever known the full extent of what he did for me until today. He officially knows he saved my life. I'm just panicking that it might weigh him down, or freak him out, or something. I don't know. I'm just a little panicked.
I hope all is okay.
It seemed okay.
But this is him.
I never know.
Anyway.


Update:

Me: Ugh. I wish I knew what he was thinking sometimes xxx

12:24

Beth: Sad thing is i do and tbh i think he was more shocked xxxx

FML.


Yeah. I told another little part of the world. And I'm still paying it forward. But I feel really, really good.

The fear.

My fear.


I was reading this article, and freaked myself out. 


I think I should be honest with you. Completely honest.


I'm afraid of myself sometimes. Something can happen, and part of my mind goes totally malicious, and cold, and heartless. If I ever let that part of me take over the rest of my mind, even for a minute, I'm horrified by what I might do to someone.


I hate that part of me. I fear it. But I don't know how to make it go away. It's not always there, but the second I feel like someone I care about is threatened by something, that part of me 'wakes up' and sits in the corner of my mind, ready to do whatever I have to do to keep my loved one safe.
Being protective is fine, but it goes past that on occasion.


Luckily, the better side of my mind always keeps that dark, seething, malicious part at bay. I'm just terrified that one day something will happen and it won't work, and I won't be able to control what I do. 


It's my second biggest fear.
My first is losing the people I love.
This is my second. What I'd do to whoever took them from me.


My brother is the same. If someone threatens me or mum or any other part of his family, he doesn't think. He just runs after the threat. I hate to think what he'd do if he caught up with them. But I'm the same.


In a way, I think it's a good thing I know about that part of me. I know it, and I fight it. Every time. To be fair, as we kind of know, I'm probably more of a danger to myself than anyone else.


But, as my peaceful, small, kind Philosophy teacher said, "Just don't threaten my family."


"We all both have light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."


Always good to have J K reminding me what matters. I'm going to keep choosing to act on the light as much as possible.


Just wondering, what's your dark, and what is your fear?

Iris

I'd heard this before, but Ladybird wanted me to listen to it a few days ago, so I thought I'd share it with y'all.

A song for my Ladybird.

Not mine, of course, because I can't put what happened into words or music.

Mumford & Sons got some of it though.

"You saw my pain, washed out in the rain

Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins
But you saw no fault no crack in my heart
And you kneel beside my hope torn apart
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh that gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me we'll be alright"

Thank you for rescuing me, Ladybird.

I'm sorry I can't thank you in person.

I'll tell you it all one day, I promise.

Songs for today.

Feel like crying.

Having one of those days.
Kept smiling for Ladybird except my minor slip up at lunch, but I can’t keep it up here where he can’t see it.
I just feel like crying.
And the only people who could make it okay right now are my brothers or B, and none of them can get here.
I miss them so much.
I really, really need them.
I wish my brothers could come home, and we could be together again, just for a day.
That’s all I need.
I could take on the world with them beside me.
But they’re not here.
So I feel like crying.
And it won’t go away.
It might never go away.

She likes him too.

I like him
She does too
So I'll just give up
And run away with you

Happy Birthday Ladybird!

So it's the Ladybird's birthday today! Aww my young one is all grown up! Well grown up to the big ol' age of 15. Despite him specifically telling me not to, and because I'm such an awesome friend, I bought him three presents and made him a cake :D Lynx, the physical embodiment of an inside joke, and a HMV voucher were his presents, and this, my friends, was his cake:

I know right.

Totally awesome.

Or in his words, "Cute, like [me]". 

I'm so proud :D

Had a lovely lunch time with him, which was very entertaining. 

Then I taught him in RE, which was also entertaining.

I'm making him see the new Avengers movie with me at some point soon, so that should be good.

Had a pretty good day :D

I was going to get all philosophical, but I can't be bothered so I'm off to eat pizza.

Laters!

xx

Sitting on the dock of the bay.

<3

I thought I knew.

I thought I knew
But you teach me how to be loved
I thought I understood
But the love you show me is true.
Feel like I'm living in a day dream
Lost in the maze of colour
And the warmth that surrounds me
Softer than a bubbling stream.
I don't have fancy words to use
To say what I want to
But I know I need not fear
My love you won't abuse.
With you the grass is green
And the sun shines bright
So I really hope you know
Just what you mean to me.

Mondays

Not exactly the greatest of the days of the week. It is simultaneously the closest and the farthest day from the weekend. 
The progression of days does not bring that much relief nowadays though. It's all just one step closer to exams I am not ready to face.
16 days until the first.
23 days until the last.
I'm not ready yet.


There is a small comfort at the end of each day though. You are always waiting. And those life-changing few letters on my results slip won't matter to you. All that matters is each other. You keep me calm. You keep me smiling. You keep me speechless. You keep me looking forward.
Thank you.
<3