F.M.L.

Wow. Second post in a few days - you guys really are lucky ;)


I had a shitty day today. Like, ridiculously shitty. I woke up depressed because I had a really messed up dream went to school worrying about the exam I had this morning; when I got to school everything was good til everyone got their yearbooks and - since most of my friends are in a different band to me - i got left out again (Plus it didn't help when they all - mostly M - laughed at my pic and made me feel even worse); so I went to the one place I felt I could belong - with Om - which is bad cause M gets really jealous when I spend time with Om. Then it was the exam and I felt like shit because I completely failed it!!!! I did the whole hugging and talking about the exam thing, before going to sit with Om because he's actually at the same level as me, so he was the only one I could talk to. The rest of the group - except me, Om and the twin's bf L - huddled around looking at the year book again. So I just huddled in my hoodie and rested my head on Om's EPICALLY comfy shoulder. So. So far I'm basically having a really crap day. My twin announces she has to leave, but that means I have to go too because she's not allowed to walk home on her own. I don't/didn't mean to be selfish, but I really wanted to stay with M and the others. I realised that me and L had been meaning to chat today, so we went off to talk before me and the twin were meant to leave. So we talked, and I ended up bawling my eyes out.
        I cried because I felt like I couldn't belong anywhere any more. I cried because the only place I did feel I belong was with M (but he seemed off with me :'( </3) or with these people who sell crystals and are the greatest people I think I've ever met but I only get to see them once a year. I cried because I'm still hurting because I wasted my love for 8 months on C, and then I got a text from him yesterday and I don't know what to do because I have no idea what to say, and I want to talk to M first. I cried because a member of my family recently split up with her husband after spending years trying to make it work. I cried because I miss my brothers and the rest of my family that I never get to see any more. I cried because my future is falling apart, as my plans for A-Levels are no longer feasible, I will never be able to afford Uni, and I don't even know what I want to do any more. I just cried and cried and cried because everything's shit and L pretty much knows all of it anyway, so he was the obvious one to talk to, and he always lets me vent at him. 
     At one point the bushes behind us rustled, and I whipped round to see my boyfriend and this twat we know laughing as they ran from the place where they had been trying to eavesdrop from. As they ran away I burst into tears once more and cowered into L, trying to escape the world as everything came crashing down again. I should know by now that crying won't help but I couldn't help it. I just didn't know what else to do. Om came over to us and managed to stop the flow of my tears, and also informed us that M and the twin were assuming that we were talking about them. So Om went away and came back again, but then we all just went back.
     The twin reminded me that she had to go and get home, so I had to go with her. I said goodbye to everyone, and the twin and I began our walk home. She asked what I'd been talking to her bf about, so I just decided I'd tell her. She was sweet about it at the end <3
     When I got home I decided to ring my boyfriend M, and we had a nice chat and I explained why I'd needed to talk to L and no-one else, and that everything was okay and I'd tell him when I could. OH and I wished him good luck for his exam and told him I love him. I had to rush to get to dance, but  I left him an offline message on fb about me having to have the chat with L, and I also admitted that I felt a bit annoyed about the trying to listen in thing.
    Dance was HORRIBLE. I joked around with the twin at first, but I was still feeling crappy. Halfway through the lesson I just lost all will to dance/live! I got home and my lovely not-quite-aunt was there so we had a lovely chat and she's just awesome really, even though she's going through a hard time right now. So... after she left I logged onto fb and M was on. At first we talked about times for our date thing on Saturday for our two months anniversary <3 <3 But then he mentioned my offline post and it all went to shit. We ended up having a massive argument, throughout which I was wiping away tears because I just love him so much and it was so so horrible to be arguing with him. We both put our points across, and I think we both got hurt. In the end, I'm worried he might still be mad, but he said he forgives me and that he's not mad. In the midst of our arguing he made me feel so lucky and special and important and just loved when he said something, but then after that something else came up and it went shit again :'( I was shaking the whole time cause I was so scared that I was about to loose him!!! I did NOT realise how important he is to me or how much I truly love him until tonight. It's probably cause of that whole you can't appreciate something until its gone thing. Well, I'm just praying to whatever the hell is out there that its not gone!!!
     I watched a rom com cause it was on Tv, and all I could think about was M. Tbh, most of the time M is on my mind, but normally that doesn't make me want to cry again...
ARGH I HATE CRYING.
But I hate the thought of losing him so much more.
I pray to everything that we are okay, and that we never have an argument like that again....


Sorry for the rant
I promise my next post will be more interesting


Hatter xx