I told them!

So I went to the youth service at church tonight.
It was packed.
And I told them all my story...


I told Ladybird first though, which wasn't as bad as I'd thought. I think everything's okay, but he never really shows his emotions so I won't ever really know. 


But yeah. 10 minutes after telling Ladybird I went and asked Andy if they were doing testimonies tonight. He then put me on the spot seconds later and I told a very packed church, full of both strangers and friends, about what happened to me last year, and how God did a little 'miracle' for me. I didn't tell them that the person God sent was Ladybird, but I did tell them God sent someone.


I was astonished by the reaction. People clapped as they always do, and I guess they paid attention. What shocked me was after the service. Two people I had never met independently sought me ought and thanked me for telling my story. They said they were very grateful, I was very brave, that they could really relate to it, and that I touched many people with my story. When the first guy came up Mrs T, mum and I were completely gobsmacked when he left. I just flumped down onto a chair and put my head in my hands. I was not expecting to have that effect on people. Ladybird wasn't surprised at all by their reaction, but I was completely astonished. It's been 4 hours since and I'm still not over it.
I was shaking the whole time, but I know I made the right decision. I was right to tell them all, and I was right to do it today. Those two people weren't the only ones it helped. And that's all that matters. Paying it forward, and helping people who are in a similar place to the one I got stuck in.


My only negative feeling is that I have no idea how Ladybird feels about it all, and I'm completely panicking about him. He said he had a bit of an idea about me being really down when we met, but I don't think he has ever known the full extent of what he did for me until today. He officially knows he saved my life. I'm just panicking that it might weigh him down, or freak him out, or something. I don't know. I'm just a little panicked.
I hope all is okay.
It seemed okay.
But this is him.
I never know.
Anyway.


Update:

Me: Ugh. I wish I knew what he was thinking sometimes xxx

12:24

Beth: Sad thing is i do and tbh i think he was more shocked xxxx

FML.


Yeah. I told another little part of the world. And I'm still paying it forward. But I feel really, really good.

The fear.

My fear.


I was reading this article, and freaked myself out. 


I think I should be honest with you. Completely honest.


I'm afraid of myself sometimes. Something can happen, and part of my mind goes totally malicious, and cold, and heartless. If I ever let that part of me take over the rest of my mind, even for a minute, I'm horrified by what I might do to someone.


I hate that part of me. I fear it. But I don't know how to make it go away. It's not always there, but the second I feel like someone I care about is threatened by something, that part of me 'wakes up' and sits in the corner of my mind, ready to do whatever I have to do to keep my loved one safe.
Being protective is fine, but it goes past that on occasion.


Luckily, the better side of my mind always keeps that dark, seething, malicious part at bay. I'm just terrified that one day something will happen and it won't work, and I won't be able to control what I do. 


It's my second biggest fear.
My first is losing the people I love.
This is my second. What I'd do to whoever took them from me.


My brother is the same. If someone threatens me or mum or any other part of his family, he doesn't think. He just runs after the threat. I hate to think what he'd do if he caught up with them. But I'm the same.


In a way, I think it's a good thing I know about that part of me. I know it, and I fight it. Every time. To be fair, as we kind of know, I'm probably more of a danger to myself than anyone else.


But, as my peaceful, small, kind Philosophy teacher said, "Just don't threaten my family."


"We all both have light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."


Always good to have J K reminding me what matters. I'm going to keep choosing to act on the light as much as possible.


Just wondering, what's your dark, and what is your fear?

Iris

I'd heard this before, but Ladybird wanted me to listen to it a few days ago, so I thought I'd share it with y'all.

A song for my Ladybird.

Not mine, of course, because I can't put what happened into words or music.

Mumford & Sons got some of it though.

"You saw my pain, washed out in the rain

Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins
But you saw no fault no crack in my heart
And you kneel beside my hope torn apart
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh that gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me we'll be alright"

Thank you for rescuing me, Ladybird.

I'm sorry I can't thank you in person.

I'll tell you it all one day, I promise.

Songs for today.

Feel like crying.

Having one of those days.
Kept smiling for Ladybird except my minor slip up at lunch, but I can’t keep it up here where he can’t see it.
I just feel like crying.
And the only people who could make it okay right now are my brothers or B, and none of them can get here.
I miss them so much.
I really, really need them.
I wish my brothers could come home, and we could be together again, just for a day.
That’s all I need.
I could take on the world with them beside me.
But they’re not here.
So I feel like crying.
And it won’t go away.
It might never go away.

She likes him too.

I like him
She does too
So I'll just give up
And run away with you

Happy Birthday Ladybird!

So it's the Ladybird's birthday today! Aww my young one is all grown up! Well grown up to the big ol' age of 15. Despite him specifically telling me not to, and because I'm such an awesome friend, I bought him three presents and made him a cake :D Lynx, the physical embodiment of an inside joke, and a HMV voucher were his presents, and this, my friends, was his cake:

I know right.

Totally awesome.

Or in his words, "Cute, like [me]". 

I'm so proud :D

Had a lovely lunch time with him, which was very entertaining. 

Then I taught him in RE, which was also entertaining.

I'm making him see the new Avengers movie with me at some point soon, so that should be good.

Had a pretty good day :D

I was going to get all philosophical, but I can't be bothered so I'm off to eat pizza.

Laters!

xx

Sitting on the dock of the bay.

<3

I thought I knew.

I thought I knew
But you teach me how to be loved
I thought I understood
But the love you show me is true.
Feel like I'm living in a day dream
Lost in the maze of colour
And the warmth that surrounds me
Softer than a bubbling stream.
I don't have fancy words to use
To say what I want to
But I know I need not fear
My love you won't abuse.
With you the grass is green
And the sun shines bright
So I really hope you know
Just what you mean to me.