Last Post

As in of the blog... No soldiers here. Technically.
So I'm saying good bye to 'The Black Book of Blog'. I should probably feel sad, but I'm actually not sure that I do. The choice to move to a new blog was inspired by a positive desire for a new start, rather than a negative one. I'm not starting a new blog because too many bad things have happened and I want to forget, I'm starting a new blog because I'm feeling positive enough to think that it is just time for a change. 
A lot has happened since I began this blog, and it has been both good and bad.
I started this in September 2010, when I was just starting year 11. So since then I have come through GCSEs, formation and break down of relationships, depression, self-harm, loss and discovery of faith, recovery, new and unexpected experiences, the discovery of new friends,  AS levels, and overwhelming, lingering joy.

So I begin 2013 and the new blog having recovered from the struggles of the summer of 2011 and the fight to avoid relapse, with a much healthier outlook on life. I have some extraordinary friends - some new, some old - all of whom I am blessed to know. I have a wonderful gentleman friend, my George, who is still here after two months today, and who I hope will stick around for a very long time. My relationship with my mother is still tense at times, but I'm trying to stay honest with her, and never let any fight fester. I want to enjoy this last bit of time that I will spend at home with her before Uni. I have had some wonderful experiences which I hope have bettered me as a person, and I hope I can stay grateful for it all.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to you, my readers. There may be a few of you, or there may just be one, but either way, thank you for sticking around. It's always nice to know someone is listening, so thank you for that. If you want to continue to follow my thoughts, you can find them here. If not, good bye for now, and I hope you have an excellent New Year.

See you around.
Hatter

2013

Time for the annual 'starting over'.
I can't wait.
I ended 2012 and began 2013 in the arms of my George, which was a wonderful feeling. He's was here since surprising me at work at 3pm, and he went home yesterday evening. I actually don't have any words to correctly summarise all the feelings of the last few days, but it was most definitely the most wonderful New Year celebration I've ever had.
Since everything is a little different this year, and it's going to be a year of changes, I have decided to start a new blog, and so this is probably the penultimate post on 'The Black Book of Blog', the next and possibly last post will contain a link to the new blog.
I'm off to bed as I have school again tomorrow, so good night everyone.
I hope you had a fantastic Christmas and New Year celebration.
Hatter x

Imogen

So...
My little sister is ill. Again. And they've seen a specialist but it hasn't helped, and they are going to book an emergency appointment for her at the Doctors. 
And I'm not there.
I'm her big sister and I am over 150 miles away.
I'm not there to hold her hand when she gets scared and that damn well kills me.
I should be there.

In Paris with You

I thought I'd share my English teacher's favourite poem with you...

In Paris With You

Don't talk to me of love. I've had an earful
And I get tearful when I've downed a drink or two.
I'm one of your talking wounded.
I'm a hostage. I'm maroonded.
But I'm in Paris with you.

Yes I'm angry at the way I've been bamboozled
And resentful at the mess I've been through.
I admit I'm on the rebound
And I don't care where are we bound.
I'm in Paris with you.

Do you mind if we do not go to the Louvre
If we say sod off to sodding Notre Dame,
If we skip the Champs Elysées
And remain here in this sleazy

Old hotel room
Doing this and that
To what and whom
Learning who you are,
Learning what I am.

Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris,
The little bit of Paris in our view.
There's that crack across the ceiling
And the hotel walls are peeling
And I'm in Paris with you.

Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris.
I'm in Paris with the slightest thing you do.
I'm in Paris with your eyes, your mouth,
I'm in Paris with... all points south.
Am I embarrassing you?
I'm in Paris with you.

James Fenton

Happy :)

I'm feeling incredibly happy right now :)
I had another wonderful Saturday with my gentleman friend, and I also managed to spend time with my young friends and my 'baby brother'.
Everything is going pretty well, and I can barely remember the last time I was this happy.
All is good for a change :)

Perfect day.

I had a perfect day with George on Saturday :')
Also came home to find Frankenstein on the radio xD
And I downloaded Pride and Prejudice to my phone.

Just a perfect day.
Quiet.
But perfect.

Fireworks...

Amazing night watching the fireworks at Wicksteed last night with Amy, Em, George, Ladybird, Lil G and Mol :') <3

All the love :')

Friends, Lovers or Nothing.

Another great day :')

Had decent lessons in the morning, and saw most of my faves at break - Em, Fairy, Pipkin, The Giant One, Mol and Amy. Did lots of work in my free and saw Ladybird and Lion at the end of it :') <3

Lunch was excellent. Saw all the awesome people, and then went to a talk by a graduate English student and he was brilliant! Funny, informative, and my perfect stereotype for a University English student. Right down to his stripy shirt and his short but still somehow whimsically windswept hair.

Spent my afternoon frees with Fairy and Smurf :') <3

Went to town with Bunny, Em, Lion and Mol :') <3 Lots of hilarity with Mol's mysterious caller and Lion's legendary utterly unrivalled wit. Pipkin called us when it was just Bunny, Em and I at Morrisons and he came to see us XD <3 After Heather left (*sad face*) Em, Pipkin and I meandered up to Boots so Pipkin could whine about walking and Em could print off photos <3 Went into Waterstones on the way home and found ourselves in the young readers section, all three of us beautifully delighted at the Peter Pan book with sounds, and the collections of Beatrix Potter, and Winnie The Pooh. Never in my tiny lifetime have I felt more love for two people (who were not my mum or brothers), than the moment when Pipkin (who IS MALE) and Em were equally delighted by the Peter Pan book. We all headed back to Em's and it was quite simply perfect. Put Miranda on and settled on the sofa. Me snuggled into Pipkin, Em snuggled into us both. Em fell asleep, Pipkin and I snuggled, and he laughed at all the right moments in the episode. When Pipkin left he gave both Em and I humongous hugs :') He is lovely. Em and Pipkin make my day, everyday. <3

Em and I nommed DELICIOUS eats and continued with Miranda, before moving to Em's ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS new bedroom!! :') We actually did homework! On her brilliant new desk, no less. We slow danced, tried on clothes, snuggled and generally chatted. I love her. I really do. I've never had better 'sisters' than her and Bunny <3

Brilliant day. As always, thanks to the beautiful people whom, by some miraculous coincidence, I have been allowed to call my closest friends.

Had a great day today :)

I had a lie in this morning which was sooo good! Walked to school from town and met Jono in the library <3 Hung out with the nerds for a bit. Hung out with the gang at lunch - although Gloves, H and Nerd were on a field trip so I missed them a lot. Started to walk to music with lil G and ended up spending the rest of lunch with Pipkin, Em, Gavin and a couple of other people - so funny!!! :') Also saw Ladybird while dropping Em off at her form room, and he was sweet and said he loved me and made a comment about me being skinny which made me feel really damn good about myself. Dropped Em off, saw my lovely God-sister and walked back with her. English was fairly entertaining. Sylvie and Anderson are legends :')

Walked to town with Em and the other year 11s, which was nice. Headed back to school with Em so she could set up for the year 7 open evening. I decided to 'help out'.

This basically involved me chatting to Pipkin, Em (who fed people gummy bears with chilli powder cause she is just that awesome), the music boys (ended up walking round the sixth form centre with Gavin while Ladybird played guitar next to us), and Pipkin again. At one point there were four guys on a piano. It was brilliant XD So wish I had filmed it. Also, why am I always friends with ridiculously talented people? It can't be good for me! Seriously - Pipkin and this other guy James were playing a fantastic piece - WHILST ON THEIR GODDAM PHONES. Pipkin sent me a text half way through and I didn't even notice because the music still sounded so good. It was awesome.

Came home and watched the Great British Bake Off with mum, and may have been far too emotionally involved when I got upset because one of the guys looked like he was going to cry...

Ah well XD I got a message from Kat so all is good because I have been missing her lots lately :)

I love days like these <3

Absolutely Nothing

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it 'Chops'

because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and a gold star

And his mother hung it on the kitchen door

and read it to his aunts

That was the year Father Tracy

took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus

And his little sister was born

with tiny toenails and no hair

And his mother and father kissed alot

And the girl around the corner sent him a

Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant

And his father always tucked him in bed at night

And was always there to do it.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it 'Autumn'

because that was the name of the season

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and asked him to write more clearly

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because of its new paint

And the kids told him

that Father Tracy smoked cigars

And left butts on the pews

And sometimes they would burn holes

That was the year his sister got glasses

with thick lenses and black frames

And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus

And the kids told him why

his mother and father kissed alot

And his father never tucked him in bed at night

And his father got mad

when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook

he wrote a poem

And he called it 'Innocence: A Question'

because that was the question about his girl

And that's what it was all about

And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because he never showed her

That was the year Father Tracy died

And he forgot how the end

of the Apostle's Creed went

And he caught his sister

making out on the back porch

And his mother and father never kissed

or even talked

And the girl around the corner

wore too much makeup

That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway

because that was the thing to do

And at 3am he tucked himself into bed

his father snoring soundly.

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag

he tried another poem

And he called it 'Absolutely Nothing'

Because that's what it was really all about

And he gave himself an A

and a slash on each damned wrist

And he hung it on the bathroom door

because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen. 

Osoanon Nimuss

That poem features in The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, which is a fantastic book. Sadly, the poem does not feature in the film, but it was still gosh-darn brilliant.


Y'all should read Perks.

An excellent weekend :)

So why was my weekend so fabulous?
Well...
Friday-
Friday at school wasn't the best, and I had been panicking about the evening, but it all turned out well in the end. The panic in the evening was because I was due to attend my friend Alice's 18th birthday party. I was worried that it would be more awkward than fun. However, I had an absolutely fantastic time!!! We all had plenty to drink - possibly a bit too much in Hannah's case, but s'all cool because she was missing Josh - and the majority of the Bench Gang's few boundaries started to dissolve as our alcohol intake increased. I participated in drunken games of Never Have I Ever and Truth or Dare - I dare say these have beaten Tipsy Twister :') Also joined the girls upstairs and had a good laugh, as well as having moments with Jenni, when it was nice to get some things out in the open. I also had a pretty major chat with Jordan about everything, which went surprisingly well. I have a feeling things might be easier from now on. Went home and Charlotte stayed over, which was  nice :) That night with the gang was the best in a long time <3

Saturday-
Woke up at 7 with, surprisingly, NO HANGOVER (*dances*) and pointed Charlotte in the direction of the bus stop. Went shopping in Northampton with the lovely mother :') and had a lot of fun <3 Said good-bye to the Ponds as we watched the last episode of this series of Doctor Who :'(
Also got shitloads of school work done XD

Sunday-
Went to church with Emma to see little Benedict and Linus!! It was pretty good, despite Benedict deciding to be a bit of a handful!! Worked for aaaages at home, which made me feel pretty good for some reason :) Met up with Beth at 4.30 and spent ages just chatting about whatever we fancied :') Hilarious 'date' XD Evening church with Will, Beth and Tom was good - both Beth and I gave testimonies about the last night of Soul Survivor B 2012 (which I will tell you about soon, I swear). Came home, watched a movie with mum, then signed into facebook and saw two things that have left me absolutely buzzing!!
1. Lachs came second in the British Blo-Kart championships!!! So proud of my best friend!! :D <3 <3
2. My amazing God-sister got engaged to her long-term girlfriend today! So, so happy for them both :') <3 <3 <3

All in all, a brilliant weekend <3

Results Day

Sorry for neglecting this blog! I've been stupidly busy, so I shall update y'all on everything soon.
In other news, I got my AS results today. Not best pleased to be honest. I got an A in English lit but a C in lang brought the overall grade down to a B. I also got a C in Psychology... Which means unless I ace my resit and A2 exams, I won't be going to UEA. -_-
Also broke my last pair of glasses.
But hey.
Running off to Wales with my best friend for a few days so I get to forget everything :)

Learning to Smile

Officially writing a book (with the above title) about the last year.
Technically I won't know how it ends until the 12th August, but that's cool.
Kind of looking forward to writing this.
Love to your faces.
Hatter xx

Youth - Daughter

Colour my life with the Chaos of trouble.

Feeling content with life, but... bored. I think.
Mum has been telling me more about the very early years of my life, which everyone in my family normally tries hard to keep secret. It seems that I was born into a very chaotic place/time. Or at least I grew up in chaos. So... I guess it makes sense that my life is quite chaotic a lot of the time, and while a break from the chaos brings relief, I am not entirely comfortable in peace.
It's... unhelpful. Because the chaos can be difficult or perfect or painful or fun or just plain... wtf is going on?!!?! But whatever it feels like, even if it is painful, I need it like I need the sun.
It's like I can keep my balance in a boat on a rough sea, or in an underground train jolting to a stop, but I trip over nothing when I stand still in a quiet room.
I don't know what to do about it to be honest.
So I don't know why I'm even bothering to post this.
Just feeling very chaotic.
Urgh.
asdfghjkl;'dtcgk;n.

Proud :')

No one will ever understand how proud and overwhelmed I feel right now. Well, Em might.
Best evening :')


Um. Anyway. I should probably tell y'all about the past few days.
Saturday.
BEARDY WAS HERE. Like, here. It took me several hours to get over that fact. So, um. Met Em in town and bought sweets while we waited for Beardy to arrive. Beardy arrived and I was very  hyper. I blame Em. I also feel sorry for Beardy, because I forgot to pretend to be normal, and he saw exactly how crazy I can be :/ Em left us and we walked to Lark In The Park (more difficult than it sounds given mine and Beardy's map skills...). Lark was fantastic. Introduced Beardy to some people, went crazy with said people. Basically spent the day listening to the music performances, teasing Beardy, cuddling Beardy, dancing madly with the girls, eating bon bons, mocking Beardy for his hot dog eating attempts. Just.... awesome. An excellent day :') <3


Sunday
Did nothing.
Then went to church and had a hilarious time with Ladybird and the lovely Bethany :')
Went to Roots group afterwards because Toby asked me too, and we just watched the football... XD


Monday.
Another chaotic day of nothing.


Tuesday.
Went into school to help with the induction for the new year 12s. Spent aaaaaaaaaaages chatting to m'dear Zilla, which was lovely <3 Also saw Em. Walked to Glebe with Em and Miranda after school, then saw Ladybird and his sister and had a .... delightful... chat with them. Went to see my group's photography exhibition with mum. Didn't go to dance. Arranged to go to the Giant One's on Thursday :)


Wednesday.
Woke up nice and late XD
Walked my dog and ended up having to wash her in the brook because she got something manky all over herself -_-
Met Em and Heather in town, which was very  entertaining :') Bought Despicable Me so that I can force Em and Beardy to watch it. Nommed chips in Morrisons, came home and did chores then Em and I went to Northamptonshire Music and Performing Arts Trust: Summer Festival of Music: Here Comes The Sun. Got a tad overwhelmed, as I was only expecting to see Heather and Ladybird, and there were about 10 other people I know/adore there! Also, Heather was absolutely phenomenal, and I could not be more proud of my 'little sister'. I actually almost cried. Just... so proud of all of them, especially Heather, Will and Bethany.


It was an absolutely fantastic evening, and I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed several hours later...
<3

The world was on fire

Go listen to the song in the last post.
It's awesome.


So... my life. 


Quite a lot has happened.
But I can't be bothered to mention any of it.
Other than to say I spent most of the week either - weighed down with uni shiz, chatting to awesome people at the bench, or having a good time and relaxing in music with t'boys.

Beardy is here tomorrow :3
Quite excited :D
Like... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH kind of excited.
Should be fun XD


On Thursday I saw the cinema showing of the recent Frankenstein play starring Benedict Cumberbatch as Frankenstein and Johnny Lee Miller as the Creature. It was almost flawless.


The set was just… beautifully created and structured.
The script was incredibly well written.
The entire thing was perfectly directed by Danny Boyle.
And the cast were simply captivating.
Literally could not tear my eyes away from it all.
So bluddy fantastic.
I just-
>.< I love theatre far too much.
I need to go to the theatre more.

The play also reminded me why I love English lit so much. And theatre. And that as soon as I am earning enough for it to be affordable, I am going to go to the theatre at least once a month.Note - Kat is awesome. And I miss her. And she should get her sexy butt over here sometime. And then we shall see Frankenstein together <3


Spent today at Birmingham University Open Day. Which was... interesting. Went to an English with Creative Writing talk, which was fantastic. The teacher was ridiculously fun and had a very similar sense of humour to me. And his voice is basically the same as my Michael Mcintyre impression. Swear I am destined for the course as well. Tis awesome. Only issue - I'm planning to take Psychology at Uni... :/ 
Psychology talk was good too, that lecturer also shared my sense of humour. Why do I like people with quick, dry humour so much???? Ah well. Course looks interesting too.
English on it's own was the most boring talk EVER. Woman could not hold my interest -_- Definitely not going to Birmingham for English.
Library is MASSIVE though... :3
Overall a pretty cool day and university :)


Managed to miss Harry's gig tonight, cause I'm an idiot -_-
It was his new band as well :/
Now I'm sad :(


Anywho... STUFF.


Pretty content with life right now. Good days make up for the bad and the sun keeps pushing through the clouds :)


Thank y'all for the page views :')


Go listen to some happy songs :)

James Vincent McMorrow - Wicked Game

Mixed messages.

Fuck off.
Tired of trying and getting nowhere.
I give up.


What is it with people and honesty?


Just tell the damn truth and move on with your life!!!


You angry at someone?
Tell them.
Makes things a lot easier.
You happy about something someone's doing?
Tell them
Also makes things easier.


On a happier note:
BEN IS VISITING NEXT SATURDAY.
*EXCITEMENT*.